I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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