The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
