I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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