No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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