I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
