I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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