remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's shark week go big or go home
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
