Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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