I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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