omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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