Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
