Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
