All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
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Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
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Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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