I feel great
I just peed on a car
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i am craving dick and cupcakes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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