So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
