I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
