we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
