We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
