Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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