I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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