Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
