If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
