I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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