I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
