This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.