I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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