i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
