I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
