I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
