filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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