I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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