I accidentally had phone sex last night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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