The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
