So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
