my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
