i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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