All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
