The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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