Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize