Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
