it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm passing your future prison.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
