Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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