I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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