life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
