if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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