meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
