The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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