11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
