I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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