Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
