Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
People in love make me want to vomit
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
