I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
