I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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