I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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